Learning to Ask for Help

Several years ago a lady recounted a story to me that really touched me and I have never forgotten it:

"I had just received the awful news that my father had passed away. Later that afternoon, I ran to the grocery store to buy something for dinner that night. While there, I ran into an acquaintance. She asked the usual 'hi, how are you?' Out of habit I quickly responded, 'fine thanks' and continued checking off my grocery list. Then it hit me. I was definitely NOT okay. My father had just died and I felt so much sadness and sorrow inside. That lady had absolutely no idea what had just happened to me and as far as she was concerned, I was fine."

We've all heard countless accounts about service and how helping and lifting others can bring so much joy into our lives. I believe that we all sincerely desire to help and serve those around us. Every month we all ask the same question while visiting and home teaching "Well, Is there anything I can do for you?" Most of the time, the response is a a quick "no, I'm fine. But thank you!" And how many of us feel a sense of relief at this response, thinking inside, "Oh good, I'm off the hook"?

In December I had surgery on my wrist. The problems with my wrist turned out to be worse than they originally thought, and so my recovery ended up being much harder than I had ever anticipated. The first 2 weeks following my surgery, I was luckily at my parents' home and my entire family became my angels. I was unable to do anything on my own it seemed, and everyone was so willing to help in whatever ways I needed: washing my hair, helping me get dressed, serving me food, cutting my steak, to name just a few things.

Then it was time to return to Utah for school and I definitely had no idea how hard it would be to try to do things on my own. I had told people I was having surgery, but no one asked me what I needed. My visiting teacher was really nice and told me I could call her if I needed anything. Nice gesture, but how many of us ACTUALLY call someone when we need help with something simple such as putting my hair in a pony tail or making dinner or washing dishes or painting your nails? I knew she would be happy to help, but knew she was busy and did not want to inconvenience her. I'm such an independent person that I just found a way to get around doing things on my own, without needing to rely on, or bother anyone. Just like the lady in the grocery store, I played it off, telling everyone I was fine. No one had any idea that I was not in fact fine and that I was really struggling.

Then one day, having been in a cast for about 4 weeks and being completely limited in what I could do for myself, I broke down and I finally asked for help. I felt helpless and annoying asking for help, and it was much much harder than I ever thought it would be. I learned an important lesson that day: asking for help doesn't mean that I am weak or incompetent. It shows a level of honesty with myself that I can not do this on my own and I need to utilize my resources. I love this story that illustrates this:

A little boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone. His father came along just then. Noting the boy’s failure, he asked, “Are you using all your strength?”
“Yes, I am,” the little boy said impatiently.
“No, you are not,” the father answered, “I am right here just waiting, and you haven’t asked me to help you.”

People were so willing to help me once I acknowledged that I did in fact need help and that I couldn't do it on my own anymore. I love this quote by John Lennon:

"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

I think we all could learn from this. When we are struggling, too often we sit back waiting for someone to notice that we are in need, rather than simply asking for help. The same can be applied to asking our Heavenly Father for help. He is so willing to help us and wants to pour out His blessings upon us. Often all we have to do is approach Him and simply ASK and His response to bless our lives is instantaneous.

Another important lesson I learned is that we all should strive to be more proactive in actively seeking out ways to serve others. Sure we are all willing to serve, and even pray for opportunities to serve those around us, but are we just sitting back waiting for people to come to us? Or are we going to that person and actively finding ways to help them in their times of need? I told my visiting teacher that I needed help doing my hair. So she told me to call her when I needed help. But I didn't want to bother her with such a menial task. It would have been great to have had her show up at my door at a certain time each day ready to do my hair without my having to ask. I have realized that I for one am guilty of this. If you know someone is struggling, rather than just telling them to call you if they need anything, show up and bring them dinner. Go to their house and tell them you're there to do their dishes, or walk their dog, or take them to the store; whatever it is that they might need.

And of course, we have the Spirit to prompt us so that we may know how to best serve that person. As long as we remain worthy to have the Spirit, and are willing to actually act on those promptings, they will come. We are surrounded by opportunities each and every day to help and lift each other. I truly believe that once we prove to the Lord that He can trust us to follow those promptings and bless those around us, He will entrust us with countless more opportunities.

Finally, I just want to publicly thank everyone that has helped me these past couple of months through this process. My intention in writing this is not to condemn anyone or make anyone feel bad, but to share what I learned in this experience in the hopes that we could all improve in being brave enough to ask for help and having the courage to be more proactive in the service we render to our friends and loved ones.

“In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love